My earliest experiences of being rejected, literally rejected from play groups in kindergarten, screwed me. Public school was the same, I was always the outcast. I made myself the outcast.
This rabbit hole goes very, very deep. Some of my most self-destructive life choices, were culminations of compounding past trauma. Keeping things brief, everything from my relationship problems, to my videogame addiction, to my career choice, to the people I’ve chosen as my partners / friends, to my mental health issues, has been 90% self-inflicted.
I think I’m going to be okay. Just observing my progression over the past few years, I went from completely unable to socialize, to developing decent social skills, to getting my business running (albeit on wings of psychotic rage), to finding emotional stability. I’m finally stable, though not very happy. I eat too much junk food for example.
I’ve made some very weird choices in an attempt to heal this trauma. I want to be done with that. I want a better life, to have the strength to support others like I’ve been supported.